Courage Corner:

Be Light.

A Shared Story of Anorexia and Bulimia: From Lost to Found

Three weeks ago I received an email from a one-of-a-kind, 20 year old young woman. It started, “I came across your website and I just wanted you to know how much you have helped me and how much I enjoy reading your blog…” She went on to explain her story and struggles with anorexia and bulimia. She was considering writing a book so wanted to know if I had any suggestions. We have been writing back and forth and many incredible Truths came to light. I believe she has impacted me as much as I have impacted her. This was a beautiful connection made and one I hope lasts a lifetime.

This young woman has unending insights and power, all which surfaced after many years being lost. Let this powerful story enter deep into your heart and mind to show you anything is possible and you can be anyone you want to be, at any time. Let this person be a shining example of how we may all show up in the world and spread knowledge and insights onto those that are yearning for answers. A heartfelt thank you for your courage and strength.

And now, the unbelievable story of a young girl’s story, from lost to found:

“The air was brisk and cold. The wind continued to blow violently in the small town where the University I attended was located.

I remember the intense feeling of loneliness as I put the rustic key into the door of my dorm room on the 15th of January, 2009. The smell of old carpet overwhelmed me as I wobbled into the room with a bag of clothes. My room mate wasn’t back yet, and I was glad. I enjoyed my room mate’s company, but she was messy and I had a desperate need for control and organization.

I really didn’t want to be back at school, I missed my family, and my room. I missed my old choir and my friends. College life was overwhelming for a girl who was an only child and has always had a mother and father who gave her everything.

Now I wouldn’t say that I had a perfect life, but it was comfortable for the most part. I’m not sure where I hit the bump in the middle of the road. Whatever bump I hit must have been a huge one, because it sent me off the right track for years.

The sickness overtook me quickly. Anorexia and Bulimia are diseases that are difficult to run from once they have you in their grasp. I know that I never wanted to lose weight. That was never what was fueling my sickness. I was desperate for control. I felt like my entire life was in someone else’s hands and like the only thing I had any control of was my food. Also, starving gave me a high. It allowed me to be numb and starve away feelings that were too dangerous to deal with.

Ana and Mia slowly slithered into my life like snakes….they are deceptive and sneaky. It started with me just eating cereal and exercising and trying to be “more healthy”….and then progressed to a point where it was an obsessive number game. I planned out my meals months in advance. Every week and every day- perfectly planned, never allowing myself to eat more than X amount of calories a day. When I went on business trips, I would take my own food so I knew exactly how many calories I was eating. My weight dropped drastically and I hid it by wearing hoodies and sweats-a fake smile always plastered on my face. My motivation was to be nothing but perfect. Perfect to me meant getting straight A’s, looking in the mirror and being able to count every rib, and making sure that I was able to wear the right mask around the right people.

I continued to dig myself deeper and deeper into a big black hole over that summer. I took at least 6 laxatives a day, threw up twice a day and ate nothing but cereal and Subway. My body was starting to give out–my kidneys were always infected and damaged to some extent. I always had a head ache, my cheeks had lost their color and my eyes lost their light. I was in and out of the hospital through out the next fall semester, and the doctors tried everything in their power to help me. They put me on 4 anti-depressants which did not help, because I wasn’t depressed. I literally became a walking zombie. I couldn’t focus on school, I was falling asleep in class, my throat was always burning from throwing up, and I started to feel that my Eating Disorder (ED) was the only thing that identified me at school. I felt like no one wanted to know the real me. Everyone only loved me because I was hurting and needed that attention. Sometimes I think I purposely stayed sick in an attempt to get the nurturing and comfort that I needed and longed for from the outside world.

I truly believe that the only reason that I decided to divorce “ED”, was because I was sick of being sick. I believe that is the first step in recovery. You have to truly want to let ED leave and walk out of your life forever. You have to let go of that comfort that he brings you, and allow yourself to FEEL again! It takes a lot of searching, a lot of talking and writing, a lot of self love and nurturing. It takes a lot of self determination, and a want to be something more than what ED allows you to be. I say this not only from a recovered anorexic and bulimic’s point of view, but also from a leader’s point of view. I say this to give hope to all you who have suffered but chose to do something productive with the experience that life has thrown in your face. I am someone who believes that weakness is given to us all so that we can become stronger. Falling into a relationship with “ED” was MY weakness and my adversity to overcome. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to recover or get to the point you want to be—it’s the journey that’s important. The growth, the determination, the drive and COURAGE to face the world like the warriors we all are.

During recovery, I found out the root causes of my eating disorder. I longed for emptiness. Sounds strange doesn’t it? Someone actually wanting to be empty? But what if the only thing you dreamed of since you were 12 was a man inside you, ripping you apart, and stealing everything that was yours. Wouldn’t you feel comfortable when you were empty too? Our brains have strange ways of keeping us safe. Another reality I had to come to terms with was the fact that there are some things in life that you simply can not change. An example of that would be when I was at my lowest weight, I would sit in the bath tub and stare at my exposed bones and realized that no matter how much weight I lost, my bones would remain the same. I used to dream and fantasize about breaking my bones and rearranging them in my body to make them smaller and the way I WANTED them to be—but that was out of my control. I know a lot of people with eating disorders have the same fantasies. But once I started therapy, I realized that there are so many things in my life that I wished I could change, but I simply can’t and that’s OK.

Today, I feel free. I feel recoverED, not in recovery. Sure, I have my days where I struggle. But I take pride in knowing that I am different from most girls my age. I love the fact that I don’t feel the need to look older than I am…I like my curly hair and my obnoxiously big smile. I’m not paranoid that anyone will find out that I like to swing, color and spin around in the sprinklers outside like a little girl. I’m happy with me and have chosen not to compromise myself any longer. I’m the only me, and the best me. I have also found that most people are drawn to my light now….just because I decided to let it shine.

And I know that, “At a certain part in your life. Probably when too much of it has gone by. You will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are. Especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself, “But I am this person.” And in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love.” ~ Phoebe in Wonderland

So, for all of you who have reached that bridge of adversity and are not sure how to cross it…dig inside yourself and find that something that motivates you to become the best version of yourself…and I promise you all have the potential to live an extraordinary and different life. =) ”

- Anonymous

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